worrying my way through survivor
issue #9 let's do it
Took a little hiatus on the newsletter but now I am back, baby. To be honest I excused not sending these out with the holidays and the busyness that arises with that even though I was just extremely busy watching around 20 seasons of Survivor. I could have fired up the google docs and pushed out a letter here and there but the month of December felt extremely gloomy and full of dread. I self medicated with aforementioned Survivor and a terrible diet that was probably the reason I ended up needing a CT scan just inches from the 2020 finish line (touch on that later). But I feel renewed and ready to take on this year so look to seeing these come your way at the bi-weekly speed in which they were intended.
I used to hate Christmas then suddenly I loved it. I turned the corner a few years ago and embraced all yuletide things. Even though I grew up religious, Christmas to me has never been a religious holiday. I guess my skepticism about religion started young when I learned that the traditions we practice today are deeply rooted in paganism (for instance the ornaments we hang on trees represent male fertility and an homage to men’s balls). So I always regarded it as a commercial holiday full of tradition and boy, do I love tradition. I love replicating memories and will always remember your birthday. So my love of Christmas stemmed from my love of getting together with people I love to do things. “Set plans” as we used to call them. This year I was ready to fully immerse myself in Christmas so that it would take the sting of quarantine away. But it ended up doing the opposite- celebrating anything holiday related just reminded me that this holiday I couldn’t do any of the traditions that made putting up a tree worth it. Watching bad Hallmark movies wasn’t the same and I just never got joy from turning on my Christmas lights at night. Pretty quickly into the month of December I shut off all holiday movies and solely cycled through seasons of Survivor inching my way closer to making my own application video. Imagining myself in a Survivor buff shivering on a beach in Fiji was a better escape than the reality of an indoor Christmas alone with a virus swirling in the wind.
I am a worrier. I love to walk into a room and immediately identify five things that will kill me and three exits if I need them. Any good news is met with the Worst Possible Outcome treatment and my brain will always beg the question “wait… what was I worried about two minutes ago?” I was once in line at Marshall’s holding a nice lamp that had some weight to it so I told my roommate “wow, if anything happens this would make a great weapon.” A woman two people behind us in line gasped as she let out an “excuse me!” I, on the other hand, saw nothing wrong with my preparedness to beat an intruder with a decorative lamp, because if anything I love to multi-task.
So watching Christmas movies, looking at neighborhood lights and drinking eggnog brought on that sense of worry because they were constant reminders of the pandemic. I was faced with the reality of missed holiday parties, my family drinking wine at all hours of the day without me and the first year where I wouldn’t be checking Asos.com for New Year’s Eve looks. The more I plunged myself into the holidays the more I was reminded that I would like to opt out of living through historical events.
One day I decided to get my shit together and really clean my apartment. I took every single thing out of the cabinets and carefully organized them bringing a clean flow back to my apartment (to the tune of Survivor Season 40: Winners at War playing in the background). After I cleaned I ticked off a bunch of my internet to-dos (bills, email, etc) and made simply a great ass dinner. It was an accomplishing day and one of the first where I didn’t wait till my entire apartment was flooded with darkness to get off the couch and turn on a light.
That night instead of spending an hour (okay two hours) on Tiktok, I cracked open one of the many books I bought last year to finally get some reading done before bed and save myself from waking up with a Tiktok earworm (my favorite as of late the “oh no”). As my serum and moisturizer settled into my skin (brag that I did my nightly routine) I finished my allotted two chapters for the night and turned off the light ready to settle into a nice sleep after such a productive day. But seconds after I closed my eyes an overwhelming sense of dread came over me. I couldn't figure out why my body was in panic mode because for once there was nothing to panic about- my apartment was clean, I didn’t sear my eyeballs to sleep watching Gen Z make fun of Millennials and my nightly routine was done. I realized it was because for the last ten months my resting heart rate was worry. Since I took care of the house and personal stuff, my head was cleared to pave the way to a general sense of dread for Things to Come. I was grossed out that my brain is so used to worrying that it would literally just worry about the fact I had nothing tangible to worry about. I shrugged it off and reminded myself I was fine- nothing bad was happening! It’s all in my head. I’m okay!
Two days later I was in a hospital gown hooked up to an IV as my body smoothly sailed through a cat scan machine all to celebrate New Year’s Eve. After having stomach pain for two days, I did the worst thing in the world and checked the Internet where it told me I was having an appendicitis. I panic cried my way to urgent care via a very good friend while wearing three different kinds of masks. I wasn’t scared about the appendicitis- I was scared about every news story of no hospital rooms! Overwhelmed doctors! A new Covid variant more contagious than ever!! I imagined myself doubled over in pain on Sunset Blvd waiting six hours to see someone only to be turned away while a cacophony of coughs linger around me. I created catastrophic scenarios and just like throwing money in the air I was throwing worst case after worse case into my brain.
When I got to urgent care everything went… incredibly fine? Sure I waited but it was less than 30 minutes and I got to catch up on Tiktok (had to get my hours in somehow). The doctor saw me immediately and one of my deep seeded fears of healthcare- not being heard- was quickly dismissed. After she laid out the plan to figure out what was causing the pain she asked if I was okay. She said it while looking into my eyes and it felt so genuine I burst into tears. She put her hand on my leg and immediately reassured me I would get care. I couldn't tell if I was crying because I was scared or crying because I felt so seen in the midst of such chaos. She led me through ten minutes of deep, calming breathing and never took her eyes off me. She kept saying “don’t worry- right now you are safe. You can not let your mind go somewhere that’s not real yet. You can’t create bad scenarios that haven’t happened. “ It felt selfish to take her time like this- she should be cycling in as many patients and freeing up space and for the love of God this woman should be on a beach with a margarita for all the work she’s done during the pandemic.
I didn’t have appendicitis but I did have diverticulitis (hello and good day to my other inflamed GI, readers). Because of her reminder to stay present I was able to have an okay day, even though being poked and prodded at the edge of surgery is not how I wanted to spend the last day of 2020 but it was obviously the most fitting way to spend the last day of 2020. Once they determined it was not an ER worthy case, they shuttled me back from the hospital to urgent care by way of a kind old man named Pedro and his shuttle van. I was the only patient in this van and Pedro immediately asked me if I was okay. Just like my urgent care doctor a few hours before that, he asked it in a manner that wasn’t fleeting- he really wanted to know. In our short car ride he told me of his son’s appendix bursting and that it was all going to be okay. He was my urgent care doctor’s mirror as he firmly, but gently, reminded me we can’t worry about things that have not happened yet. Once we got to our destination he asked for my name and told me he wanted to pray for me. My usual aversion to this ceased for once and I let Pedro say a little prayer. Unlike when Matt from the Bachelor asked if he could pray before the first cocktail party and I immediately wanted to pack it up and walk out of my own living room.
It all turned out okay and now I eat grossly healthy and dry January is not a suggestion or else I will be peeing out of my butt because of antibiotics. Yes I'm pooping better than ever and my stomach pain is gone but I needed to be headbutted into 2021 with the reminder I can’t worry about things that haven’t happened yet or else I probably wouldn’t have gotten the message. Even though, as one of my best friends always yells “no more lessons!” I am at peace with this one for now (although this all did happen pre-coup and tomorrow is Inauguration Day). And no, I have not fully put that into practice but it has padded my anxiety from 24/7 the whole ship is coming down to a nice 7/5 at least the ship is still afloat.
And because I am at heart a cool teen, and Tiktok is now my life blood, my Jesus- here is one I made to celebrate NYE, my favorite holiday. I know that it is the most unpopular opinion to love NYE but I love(d) getting dressed up and having fun with my friends (remember I love traditions, will not back down from this stance!). I love new beginnings and I don’t get the Sunday scaries because having a clean slate and starting over appeases me because I might be a very, very broken person (and with that, please follow me on the tok: bethalexandroff)
re: what is going on
Throughout the pandemic, my roommate and I have been watching all the Marvel movies in order. It has been an excellent use of our time and we finally finished with Endgame. I think I cried harder with this watch than the initial one almost two years ago. Big recommend on this method of watching! Especially if you reserve the next movie for those nights where you can’t find anything to watch on streaming platforms.
My lovely friend Victor who is a pastor in Paris made this for MLK day. I’ve been listening to Victor preach since we were in high school and the cadence of his voice is so soothing to me but the content of his messages and what he puts together is miles and years more important.
I ordered these Dieux reusable eye masks and if skincare is your hobby and you don’t want to throw away soggy wet masks every day- order this!
Okay I know we have all seen the Turning Internet Drama Into Music guy but did you know he has good music too? This is my PSA to stream him, huge mood music.
I hate to say that we’ve had an air fryer for almost two years and I am just now uncovering how holy and amazing one is. Do you use an air fryer? For WHAT, pray tell? Please give me the details (I am a vegan these days that eats fish, don’t think too long on that please.)
New year, same me, less worries but still worried. See you in two weeks! <3
It’s so great you are back, I was worried about where you were