One of the reasons I started this newsletter was because this year has made me lose my words and I needed to push myself to get them out there. I’m not a concise person so trying to wrap my thoughts into the little windows of time and space afforded to us on social media made my brain shut down. I wanted to be sure that what I wrote with my name attached was something deeply embedded in me, something that I could both back with opinion and facts and something that was not my idea because it was also my entire timeline’s opinion- are we echo chambering each other because it’s right or because we want to look right?
My first draft focused on the fact that tomorrow I will be 34 years old and since my last newsletter was about reflection, this one would be more pointed to my future. 34 is my definition of a non-birthday birthday. It's in the same category as the following non-birthday birthdays: 6, 11, 19, 23, 27, and 31 (the ones I have lived). These years get you no perks and overall just sound dull. Sure 19 might be your last year as a teen but who cares because you’d rather turn 21 than 20. 11 might be a double number but what’s the point of being 11? 12 is the shedding of adolescence and 10 feels fun because you can hold up two full hands to show it, so 11 is just an in between year full of onsetting hormones. And 6? C’mon what the fuck is a six year old? I have also never once met someone who is 27. So turning 34 felt uninspired and I wanted to give it some recognition and dive deep into what that meant for me.
Me as a kid and also me turning 34
But as the weeks progressed it was apparent that my future is only tied to what I can make of the present. A present that saw the shooting of a Black man 7 times in the back by a white cop on the heels of a summer of unrest and uprising tied to state violence against Black people. Then the same week the murder of two protestors at the hands of a white male. We learned that Jacob Blake, paralyzed waist down from the shooting, would be handcuffed to his hospital bed while the white male was afforded the privilege of skipping his court appearance and happily given another court date. This feels most representative of America- someone fucked by the system held down even tighter, while the privileged one is allowed to commit crime freely with ample support.
But you know this. This is not news to you and what I am saying is just more of what you’ve already read and grasped but this time condensed in my own words. It seems futile- I’m mad, you’re mad and the people we are mad at aren’t subscribing to what we are putting out there. They’re not in our circles and our circles are now turning on each other in a race to be the most cognizant of what’s right. It’s not bad to be called out and should be effective but the way in which the superiority complex to get to the top of correct is exhausting. Just because you learn something 10 minutes earlier than your friend does not mean that you are more leftist than them. Just because I read something first does not mean I am more just than those understanding those concepts a year later.
We are learning and growing at such a rapid pace that we are only ingesting headlines and tweets and having to compact that on top of a reckoning of our own shortfalls. It gives no space to breathe and let anything sink in because we need to be the next voice who is correct on the timeline or story. We have to appear both critical and supportive at breakneck speed which isn’t helpful and at times can be at odds with each other. Our rise to grasp the concepts this summer has laid out should take longer than a summer but we have to know everything, at once, at all times, and be hypercritical of anyone in the new stages of learning who might falter here and there.
I also know the approach to a better future isn’t a coddling peace and love stance. When I was a Christian a major tenet was “faith without works is dead.” I have wholeheartedly always believed in this, even in my most atheistic times. In the same way, peace and hope without works is dead. It’s the invisible mist of thoughts and prayers and sending you love that may get a tiny chill but will easily be forgotten the moment it clears our path. We can’t just will a better world or hope that love will be the cure if that’s all we do. We need to embody new practices every day that become life long solutions. As much as I want to have good feelings, those feelings will only end with me if I don’t live a new way of life that builds up others and enact change that I believe in because it’s change that affects others more than myself.
Finding a new way that creates effective and lasting interpersonal connections seems to be the hardest these days- because I can donate, believe in a cause, support the people I need to but when it comes down to sharing views how do we achieve that in an effective way? I simply don’t know. It’s something I am struggling with- how to correct and learn from each other without creating a bigger divide.
Seems like it’s time to pause and look at some bears playing on a backyard playground.
Each year I treat the months before my birthday as a race and my birthday is the finish line. Starting in May I feel tiny pings of “start saving money so that by the time you are ___ you will have ___.” I increase my running schedule so that my birthday feels like I worked for it. I make goals to finish writing projects over the summer and usually get my life in order with the best way I know how- a haircut. I put together these little offerings to present to the altar of my new age, to please it so that the next year feels blessed. This was the first birthday I didn’t do that. I’m living in a new different world and can’t apply the old ways to everything I’ve been through this year. The only build-up to my birthday was a summer of looking inside myself and my habits and seeing how those did not support others. The only offering to my birthday this year is one of self-defeat, knowing that there’s more that I could have done and should do.
So now I view my birthday as a starting line. I don’t know where I’m going but I know, more than ever, how I want to get there. I know myself better than I ever have and I know what I can and can’t tolerate in my life. I see this next year as a year that blends into the rest of my life, not one segmented by age. It won’t be “at 34 I did this” but “at 34 I started doing this.” There’s a big difference between those two statements for me. I have goals and dreams but I can’t achieve those if I don’t have a better grasp on who I am and how I can impact those around me. I’m learning everyday new concepts and I hope those don’t just scroll on by like they have in the past.
It’s not lost on me that I am ending 33 - my Jesus year, hallelujah- and, in a way, resurrecting at 34. In my biggest youth pastor voice, I am waking up and bringing new life to both myself and others. The only two things that I can tangibly achieve during a rocky and uncertain time. I’ve definitely messed up before by only seeing what’s in front of me, which most times is just myself and the things I believed were important.
I’m still figuring out my words and writing like this has been helpful. It’s helpful because I’m more lost at writing under 280 characters or a 10 second Instagram story. Like I said I have a problem with being concise, which has been fully noted in almost every script I’ve written. This week’s newsletter has felt more rambly than usual and I think that’s because I want to go into this next year knowing I don’t have the answers. I will always just be figuring things out in the most winding way possible and it’s important that I show that same grace to those around me. I can know myself better than ever and still have nothing figured out- which has allowed this non-birthday birthday to seem somewhat important (well more important than 27- c’mon show me one 27 year old you absolutely cannot).
re: what’s going on
Breaking Bad is one of my favorite shows and Icannotbelieve it has taken me this long to get into Better Call Saul. I devoured the whole thing and ended up with a crush on Kim and Jimmy. I needed more so I watched several interviews with cast and creators on how they were able to develop an entire show based on the character of Saul Goodman. It was one of those shows that re-inspired me to write and solidified why I haven’t given up yet. Watch it and let’s talk!!
I am so messed up by this revelation from the Kingsley Ben-Adir interview where they asked him about the canceling of High Fidelity. I hope that a network Better Call Saul’s Cherise and we can maybe have some good news for once.
Annoyingly, Season 2 was really gonna be a Cherise-focused season. She [Da’Vine Joy Randolph] was gonna become the lead of the show, and the story was leaning toward being about where she’d come from, her heartbreaks and her family background. And they stopped it just as that was about to happen.
My old roommate, who is also a fellow Beth, has a stand-up special on HBO Max and what are you doing go watch Beth Stelling right now! I also realize 3/5 of this section is about TV and I will make a goal to read… something.
Since tomorrow is my birthday, maybe donate to something at your own speed? If that means monetarily to a candidate like Nithya Raman, great. If that means your time, equally great. It can be ten dollars or ten minutes but just carve out a little something for someone out there. Even if that means you need to take a ten minute break, donate that to yourself. You can’t be helpful to others if you aren’t first helpful to yourself.
This year has been fucking cruel, which is a word that has been in my head since I heard about Chadwick Boseman Friday night. My only thought is to lead some conversations with empathy- we just never, ever know.
Alright have a great week and see ya when I am the uninspired age of 34 :)
Love this!