It probably comes as no surprise to anyone who knows me and my love for the Dodgers that as a kid I held that same scary fervor for the Miami Heat. I haven’t been able to follow the NBA since I couldn’t figure out how to stream the games (illegally hehe) but finally I was able to watch the NBA finals. I missed watching basketball but caught myself instinctively looking away whenever the other team had the ball and was about to score. This sudden tick caught me off guard and I later realized I was mimicking the same response I have when watching the scary part of a horror movie. I never had this problem with watching sports before and this wasn’t the first time something like this happened- progressively I’ve been noting things that now scare me that never used to. Those include: driving too fast, my cats making a little bit of a higher meow than usual, a knot in my back, a lizard under a blanket on my porch that made my whole body tremble and my horoscope (I refuse to read any of it these days, I just don’t want to know- too scary!).
We are in the midst of scary season so granted the awareness of fear is a little more heightened. And I love Halloween. It is my favorite holiday and I can thank being raised in an anti-Halloween environment for that. Growing up we didn’t have Halloween costume parades at school, we had Book Character Day. We didn’t trick-or-treat but rather went to the Fall Festival, which was actually a lot of fun because we got to play games for candy all night in my school’s gym. The first time I trick-or-treated was in college in a rich neighborhood in Birmingham, Alabama, and yes I did bring home that elusive full size candy bar haul. Since then I’ve taken every opportunity to live out Halloween and secretly wish my friends would make a plan to go to Halloween Horror Nights every year because I would immediately buy a ticket and try to out do the time in Orlando when my friend Jeffrey got so scared in one of the houses that he knocked me to the ground, picked me up by my hoodie and ran out with me dangling from his tight grip of my hoodie.
My favorite Halloween costume which lead to the best compliment I have ever received- “oh my god I thought you came as Lena Dunham dressed as Larry David!”
I love being scared but the thing is I only love it when I’m in full control. So not knowing how a game was going to end brought on that same emotion of watching someone alone walking through the woods at 3am. That’s never happened to me before and it’s happening because this year is a haunted house. It feels like anything that brings joy also has something waiting to destroy it. First you enter the surging pandemic room to get the heart rate really up and once you can step out of that room (for a brief moment), there’s the poisonous wildfire air corridor of the house. You can hasten your step away from there but are then met by the ghoulish election room which also opens up to the room where the Dodgers pop out from the ceiling and are down 3-1 games in the playoffs (but thank god that room ended- now onto the World Series room, the most haunted of them all). Every step I take feels like I’m waiting for something to jump out at me and there’s no Jeffrey to pick me up by my hoodie and carry me out. So even watching a basketball game feels like the stakes are higher this year and something evil is waiting to upend the happiness.
Being in full control of my scary experiences bleeds into how I watch scary movies. I’m usually the first one to suggest watching a horror movie but I always pull up the Wikipedia page’s plot and read one scene ahead when things start to pop off (mainly because I hate watching people get stabbed and need to brace myself). When I get to the big scare I always wonder why the hell did I decide to do this to myself again, but that’s never stopped me from pushing through and watching the next one. But in years past I could watch a scary movie and decompress with the knowledge that the scary part is done. Until this year when the scary part is now the moments in between watching something scary. We can’t decompress from a horror movie like we used to (or maybe it’s just me) because as soon as it’s done we’re right back to the pandemic election year and if I open Twitter a thousand more haunted rooms are released upon me.
I wanted to watch a different scary movie for every day in October but that ended on October 3rd. Mostly because the Dodgers playoff run started heating up and I wanted to try and sleep at some point this year. Instead I decided to start watching two era defining shows for me- Gossip Girl and Prison Break. Both shows have transported me back to feeling the age I was when they debuted. Watching these shows makes me think I can grab the chunky necklaces paired with the ballet flats that match the big belt thrown over a shirt out of the air. It finally turned my brain off from the real scary world because it transported me to the feeling of less scary times, even if those times included long tank tops over jeans with short jackets (but I will happily take the pinnacle of technology being a pink Razr back any day). I also looked up the ages of everyone in the cast of Gossip Girl and they all landed- give or take- a year away from me. It felt soothing to watch a group of people my age because most people online these days are under 30 and yes I absolutely need to get off my dang phone, The Social Dilemma, I KNOW.
I was definitely a vest bitch in college.
The first time I was really scared and felt out of control was about four years ago. I got strep throat for four months straight and it kickstarted my health anxiety. Not that I felt invincible before that but I always assumed you got sick and the doctor makes it better. This time no doctor believed me when I reported it was my 2nd, 3rd and 4th time contracting strep in just a few short months and I had to extensively google and curse out a lab tech to finally get the care I needed. The way I needed to advocate for my health paired with the feeling that I contracted something weird and different really propelled me to never gloss over any tingling, pang, or odd feeling that my body would create. Nothing was safe anymore in my physical body because it betrayed me and now I would never let that happen again!! (If you are new to this newsletter, yes I am a Virgo capital V.)
So the main room of the haunted house of 2020 being health related finally outdid my last experience at Halloween Horror Nights. The fact that the risk of getting really sick is simply dispersed throughout our unbreathable wildfire air is frightening. It’s set up my expectations in the worst way but just like my ability to still watch a scary movie after learning my lesson a thousand times that I don’t like scary movies I love the idea of watching a scary movie, I still have a little bit of optimism that the next room we enter might be less scary, entertaining in a fun way and won’t be as haunted as the ones we have already been through. I felt joy for the first time in awhile when the Dodgers advanced to the World Series and went outside to yell along with my neighbors because having a united release makes things feel nice and normal again. I am slightly hopeful because there has been a noted switch in priorities that trends to the more decent side of humanity, even if idiots are still running around mask-less.
Even if the rooms get more haunted, there is an air of being able to deal with them better than we ever could a year ago. It’s been nice to start and cultivate friendships I never would have had the time for and this year has given me a bunch of new people that make the real scary things manageable. It’s also been great to grow friendships I’ve already had in new ways and find new outlets to connect- we can’t do comedy or bars anymore and it’s nice to know that wasn’t the only basis for our friendships. I hate the scary parts of this year but all the nice parts have been a present surprise. However if anyone can send me the Wikipedia plot page for 2020- and possibly 2021- I would love to be able to read some scenes ahead.
re: what’s going on
This twitter thread where it was revealed that breeding any dog with a corgi produces a corgi size version of that dog. I cannot imagine this is healthy for the dog but look at this rottweiler corgi.
My favorite thing on Instagram is Michael Imperioli telling Sopranos fans why the characters from the The Sopranos would vote for Joe Biden. He replies to most comments in the most dry, straight forward way and I love Christopha forever.
The Dodgers are going to the World Series and even though I thought this was going to be a sham year, I am very happy to celebrate… anything.
That’s it for now! See you in two weeks… on Election Day… the timing of this newsletter… absolutely haunted.
