I’ve been wanting to write these again, but the deep nagging impulse of what am… I trying to achieve... here crept in far too long. Since my last newsletter, I have not only opened my 23andme results but I’ve also decided to spend 6 weeks alone in New York during the fall. The pipeline of opening these surprising 23andme results to ending up in NYC for 6 weeks will be written about in coming weeks because I am still decompressing and processing some stuff and would love to give a more accurate picture when the time is right. And also I will be writing more and this at least gives me sure fired content to put out.
One thing I absolutely know about myself that I am trying to deconstruct the most these days: I am a habitual people pleaser. The kind that on a road trip in a cramped car will be fine with the front seat pressing up against my legs, even though there is room to scoot forward, because to me- I can handle anything. Why inconvenience someone to stick their hand underneath the seat for less than a second and pull up when I am fine with a little added pressure to my Osgood-Schlatter riddled knees (if you get the reference, apparently you’re a man in your 60’s)
I never want to get in the way, never want anyone to think about me for longer than 3 seconds and never ever for any moment inconvenience anyone. I have figured out that I am the perfect storm for this kind of behavior because not only am I adopted, but I am also a Virgo. And to top that off, I was raised religious where it was taught to be a servant to others, good deeds get you those gold streets and to always be prim and proper because the Lord is watching you at all times. Religion played a major part in my social interactions and it still lingers today. Which, huge difference between being kind to others/doing a nice thing and doing a nice thing at your own expense. Even after writing this, I came across this TikTok which first off proves they are listening to our conversations and it reinforces that religious trauma will never not follow us former Jesus freaks around.
I’ve lived in LA for 11 years and never had a bar I was a regular at, but in the three weeks I’ve been in New York, I have been cemented as a “legend” at a bar here. Of course it’s a Dodgers bar, I can only be myself fully at all times. I was sharing a table at my beloved new bar with, unknown to me at the time, Braves fans while watching game 4 of the NLCS. They were pretty quiet and my group chalked it up to them being at this bar to support their friends, not knowing their friends are the ones doing the racist chants. Anyway, I probably should have known something was sus with Mr. Button Down No Team Logo because at one point he turned to the girl next to him wide eyed and announced “wow I’m impressed you’ve watched The Matrix.”
Now how do we properly unpack maybe one of the wildest statements I have heard in recent years. Impressed because of THE MATRIX? Impressed because she’s a girl who watched THE MATRIX? Impressed because they are gen z and THE MATRIX is old to them? Impressed because THE MATRIX could be considered ironic these days and who watches old irony? IMPRESSED HOW, MY GUY? Tell me. But also don’t I am not in the mood to talk to a Braves fan.
Outside of The Matrix blowing this guy away, what I brushed up on was his use of the word “impress.” It is not impressive to me that someone has seen a movie. Watching a movie is sitting down for two hours doing the bare minimum. It’s more coincidence that we like the stuff we do or find ourselves in a room where a movie happens to be playing. This just isn’t something to be impressed about and I think the reason why I am now so anti-impressing is because two days later I received a similar message on Hinge.
Which I will address now: I am thriving on dating apps in NY. I say thriving loosely because I’ve cycled through so many people in LA that as a punishment for my extreme selectiveness, I am now forced to only be shown men with extreme cop energy. Here at least I will go on one good date for every two weird ones. I do realize I have set myself up for success in NY with a profile that reads “only here for a month, lets have fun.” It’s a line akin to a bright light and my matches are mosquitoes.
Back to this one in particular Hinge guy. We all know I like baseball. It’s something maybe I hit too hard at times, but we’re in the holy month of Joctober, baby. And even if Joc is playing on a team that created our postseason demise, pearl boy Joc will always be a fan favorite.
On my profile there is a picture of me in my rec league baseball uniform that usually sparks guy’s interests. Not because they find me hot, but because they want the deets on how to play in this elusive co-ed fast pitch league. I’ve gotten a lot of “hey you’re cute… but this league- how do I sign-up??” However from time to time it does garner some attention from guys who could care less about the sport. One guy in particular I was talking to was not a baseball fan or knew MLB culture (prime example: when the Astros won their way to the World Series he messaged me what he thought was a cute and earnest “go astros” which was met with my “that’s the worst thing you can say to me” which was then followed up with several panicked misspelled versions of “im so sorry” trying to double back his way into maintaining our drinks date. I forgave him in the moment but did refer him to the Astros cheating scandal Wikipedia.)
However this same guy early on in our messaging sent me the “I’m impressed you watch baseball.” Again what is impressive about watching baseball? Also to someone who doesn’t even partake in the game themself? There is no heroic feat behind watching baseball that will create mass change. I am not inspiring anyone by watching a bunch of men run around. I get it, I’m a woman girl who likes sports. But I’ve never watched sports for men’s attention, I watched sports because my parents didn’t have cable. I’m not watching to impress anyone, especially someone who probably calls it sportsball behind my back. If anything my mom was the one who instilled the love of sports watching in me. To this day her poison is college football every Saturday.
As a kid, after church on Sundays we would go eat wings and if it lined up to eating wings while the Dolphins game was on- well that’s where I truly felt the Holy Spirit at work. I would make my parents tune into the AM channel on drives home at night to listen to the Miami Heat basketball games, which as much as I have my issues with my father, good on him for listening to AM sports talk radio as a Bulgarian foreigner who hates American sports. I remember in both 1997 and 2003 making my mom buy a Miami Herald or Sun-Sentinel newspaper at the corner of 441 for the front page celebrations of the Marlins winning the World Series. (Huge news to me when I was an adult not living in South Florida anymore, that not everyone had men in bright pink and yellow shirts selling newspapers at traffic lights. Everyone grew up having to actually walk into a store? See that’s impressive.)
Don’t tell me you’re impressed because I like something just tell me it’s cool! There is a distinction, even if it’s minor. I’m never impressed someone is into whatever they are into because it’s cool to find something you enjoy and everyone is capable of doing that. And simply seeing The Matrix should never impress anyone.
However, I have figured out five things that are impressive about me and if you want to say these to me, I will not write an an entire newsletter about you. These are five things that I think I am incapable of doing so the fact I have accomplished these (at times) gives right to the impressive accolades. They are:
You drank water! This is an easy one. I do not drink enough water. If my water bottle is shut and its 4am and I am in the throws of an oncoming hangover I will just try to wet my mouth with spit long enough to stave off the dehydration and hopefully fall back asleep. I try to carry around a 32 ounce Nalgene because it seems easy to drink that much. But alas, it remains full and there’s a knot in my back from carrying its weight. (Sidenote: every single day since Saturday I have nonstop thought about a 14 oz Nalgene I saw clipped to someone’s purse in Target. I can’t stop wondering how this…. this is finally the water bottle to change everything. This is the one. No I have not ordered it yet.)
You watched Law and Order: SVU in descending order? Yes, I started with just wanting to watch a few episodes of the latest season at the time (season 20) and then devoured it and thought “well let me just go back one season.” And that thought continued in descending order for about… 10 seasons. Which this unhinged Memento style viewing was perfect and I would absolutely do it again! (No, I would not, that was nuts but boy is it impressive!)
You’ve never bought Levi’s 501’s? Friend, I didn’t even know about them. I mean I did. I knew it was a thing and there was a number attached to it, but only because my eyes are seared to TikTok and some dude made a comment about 501s. But now I have them and although their debut on a date was canceled, my butt is butting right now. But it is impressive that this Madewell bitch never thought to make the transition or even look into it until her mid thirties.
You put out a biweekly newsletter? Yes, it’s biweekly. It comes out every two weeks. No need to discuss this math.
You couldn't think of 5 things to impress people? Aren’t you a wRiTEr? No, I am not a writer. Why would you assume anything? But it’s impressive that I couldn’t think of five things, which kind of does make me a writer since instead of figuring out a 5th, I just made cookies and pet my Airbnb’s cat named Usher.
So those 5 and only those 5 are allowed to be impressive. Not even childbirth can match this because plenty of people have birthed children but how many people have drank enough water? I would rather receive a genuine high five about my sordid SVU viewing than if (okay, fine, when) I finally sell a screenplay (see I can speak in the affirmative).
I just never want to impress someone because that comes with the caveat that 1) what I am doing is for them, not me and 2) I was/am assumed incapable. Never assume me incapable. I once took three kids under 10 on a paddle boat in the middle of a lake. I’ve built dressers that explicitly said it was a two person job. I was a middle school substitute teacher. I am literally capable of anything.
Impressing people is also a form of people pleasing so another reason why I’m trying to rid it from my life. I’m actively not saying sorry for every minor thing anymore and pushing forward even if it means letting go. I’m making decisions based on what I want and not what others want from me, or what I perceive them to want from me. Which is a whole other form of people pleasing- sometimes its not just in giving rides and buying a round but it creeps into deciding personal decisions based on how others might approve or disapprove.
So here it is: my long gripe over why I think the word impress sucks and impressing people should end. Nothing is impressive because we all should be capable of doing whatever it is we do and we should use more language that’s not about how we perceive others and just let everyone be. I’m trying to make decisions on my wants and needs, and not what others want. Let me like baseball and let this poor girl watch The Matrix without it hinging on anyone’s limited expectations of each other.
Also Hinge boy of course canceled, so I take back thriving in NY compared to LA.
re: what’s going on
I’m not watching much these days outside of what everyone else is watching but I’m still not over how good Maid was. First show in awhile that made me not look at my phone the whole time. Watch it and let’s talk about it!!
I came to New York and finally bought crystals. Yep, held off for 11 years in LA but in less than 10 days to myself in NY, I now own 5 crystals. I would tell you what kind they are but it’s written on a receipt that’s in my purse in the other room and I feel for now just knowing I bought them is suffice.
Sure the Dodgers fell short of making it to the World Series but at least we beat the Giants. I am fine with this outcome. No further questions.
Okay see you in two weeks! Cause that’s the schedule! Every two weeks! :)