I know we haven’t hit the end of January but it's safe to say I am not having the driest of Januarys, which happens to coincide greatly with Los Angeles also having a historically not dry January. I’m also not referencing just drinking- everything I put parameters on for the New Year I have already broken (buying something new, scrolling my phone before bed, running every day) and I am coming to terms that is perfectly fine. Last year at this time I was able to create a solid morning routine, was training for the LA marathon and in general was keeping all the “my life will change just watch” habits I started as the year began. I was making myself lunch everyday to keep my colon happy and not flaring up, I was flying through book after book and was limiting my screen time. I was also running almost everyday, including somehow pulling double digit miles every single Saturday in preparation for the terrible LA Marathon. But at the end of the year I burnt myself out of all these habits except for keeping my Wordle streak somewhat alive.
I knew I was burnt out when I forgot my computer charger and running shoes on my trip home for the holidays- my two items of homework I bring on every single trip. Every trip I have the best intentions that I will write and I will go for a run, everything else is open to relax. I don’t always follow through but it’s nice to know the option is there, even if it’s sitting in my suitcase untouched the entire trip. Those are the two things I put the most priority on in my life (which is obvious by my savings account not doing a lot of savings) so in order for me to feel like the healthiest version of myself they stay in tow everywhere I go. But this time when I got to Utah and realized I forgot those two things, a wave of relief settled over me. Instead of being mad that I wouldn’t be able to be productive in my own way, I just leaned in. My older brother is very active so if it’s too snowy to run we go skiing or snowshoeing. I told him not to even mention skiing to me as I retreated to his very divorced dad set up of a guest room- a lonely twin bed in a corner with a 3 drawer dresser pushed up to the foot of the bed with a 32 inch tv on top in perfect eye line from my pillow. It was bliss and I watched season three of Emily in Paris and then immediately rewatched seasons 1 and 2 of Emily in Paris. I did not move my feet in any active way or type a single word and it was great (and so was my Emily in Paris rewatch which has me now convinced that this show might actually be better than I thought).
The thing is if I see a habit I need to change or institute, then nothing will stop me. I dropped my spending on Amazon to maybe three times a year and I bought about 80% of my clothes last year second hand (but also I do love the hunt). I don’t do these things for a pat on the back, I do them because I know what fast fashion does to our environment and since I’ve been exposed to its detriment, it is now my habit homework to complete and I was not born a Virgo to not finish my homework. Which is why Tiktok has not only destroyed all of my attention span, it has also given me an undue amount of habit homework.
If I see a Tiktok about a new way to clean my floors, I can do nothing else but comply. I’m trying to not have that 3pm energy crash and Tiktok has convinced me that in order to avoid that, I have to eat something before I drink coffee (yes it does work). I now wash my face with only warm water and a washcloth every morning, take apple cider vinegar vitamins and blow cinnamon out my door every first of the month. Unknowingly Tiktok created deadlines and homework for me when I started my rapid downfall into its scrolling ether when I was bored one day in May 2021. But now I can’t unsee these things I have to do- things I need to do before retrograde, things I need to do for the coming year, things I need to do before my cats reach the age of 7. So now I strain my pasta differently, I boil water before making ice cubes and I will never do laundry on New Year’s day. The list is becoming a never ending list of the things that have both improved my life because of Tiktok but have also drove me manic if I didn't accomplish them because once I see something I feel compelled to abide by it or else disaster will absolutely happen.
I think overall Tiktok, the Internet, etc is setting us all up to be robot people with a long list of to-do’s everyday. Every single action we take to go about our lives has some kind of hack or improvement and being exposed to it all at once brings a lot of shame for ultimately not being able to complete them all. Some days I don’t go outside to get “sunlight on my face first thing to wake up my body” and as a result kick myself for the rest of the day for being too tired, instead of just realizing that maybe it’s not the lack of sunlight making me sleepy, it’s deciding I can somehow do two jobs in one day. I’m not drinking enough water, not because I don’t have a Stanley cup, but because I am a dumb human that forgets to drink water. A lot of the hacks are great but overall nothing is going to dramatically change my life because an influencer in Vermont told me it would but it is creating a path to habit burnout.
So to lightly soak up some of my Tiktok addiction so I’m not suddenly regrouting every floor in my apartment, I am forcing myself to read again because I read an embarrassingly low number of books last year. I finally found a book that is a page turner and scroll avoider and guess what- Tiktok spoiled the ending. All signs lead to cutting ties with the thing that has given me the best skin of my life while obliterating my attention span, but I’m really bad at abandoning things fully which is probably a result of my abandonment issues as a whole. So my goal isn’t to eradicate it from my life but to gently put my phone down and walk into the ocean, I mean walk into another room and continue to finish my now spoiled book (Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow for those wondering).
The thing is, allowing myself to take the pressure off a habit (either doing it fully or not at all) has in turn allowed me to be more productive. I’m not doing dry January but I am drinking a lot less. I decided to pump the brakes on writing deadlines and I’ve actually started writing and outlining more than ever. Instead of running every single day I’m happily showing up to spin and hot yoga classes and I even upped my monthly credits on ClassPass. I still wish I could be doing more (haven’t taken my vitamins in three days) but instituting a subtle separation (or “damp lifestyle" that I of course learned from that app) has made my days feel a lot fuller and less guilty about not accomplishing all of my habit homework. And even though I should throw Tiktok away forever and never look back, there has been a lot of good things I’ve learned that has genuinely made my life feel nicer.
Overall I think it’s just being intentional about everything you do. Allowing your floors to be cleaner than ever but bypassing adding a scoop of powdered greens to your smoothie. I don’t need a complete life overhaul, even though every New Year that’s what I set out to do. I can’t live in a feast or famine lifestyle but I can figure out the things that slowly work for me that don’t feel like the world is crashing if I don’t abide by it’s guidelines perfectly. And while yes I did finish this Substack after 20 (30) minutes of scrolling Tiktok and one glass of wine, I also am planning on signing up for the Brooklyn Half Marathon as soon as I get the energy to fish my credit card from my purse which sits 20 feet away from me. I can’t completely disintegrate all my vices with good habits but I can do enough to ultimately avoid the burnout.
Also I’m slowly settling into my own habits that have nothing to do with anything other than they work for me and I don’t have to do them all the time (except my Saturday 10am hot yoga class followed by a nice coffee at Civil because Tiktok told me if you want to meet someone, then just go to the same place a lot). And I think being intentional about how you spend your time, rather than trying everything at once because someone or something swore by it, will lead to the right habits sticking. And it’s okay to break away and have a glass of wine from that nice bottle you were saving for a nice occasion even though it’s just a Thursday and you’re only doing a hair mask (which was inspired by Ali Vingiano’s recent Substack “It’s Time to Burn My $200 Candle”) because tomorrow I am being intentional about setting my alarm for 6:45am and getting some sunlight on my face (possibly, if not that’s fine too it has been super rainy in LA and there are seasons of Survivor I still haven’t seen).
somethings:
This used to be a whats currently go on in my life section, but ultimately it just turned into recs, so from now on I’m calling it somethings. Just wanted to clarify for the handful of lizardbreath heads out there.
I watched Fleishman in Trouble last week, despite dragging my feet due to the ads, and it was the first time I actually felt middle aged (weirdly in a good way). Overall I really liked it and yes I cried but moreover it was the first time I’ve truly felt like I have aged out of Girls.
M3gan <3
To go along with the theme of this newsletter, break your good habit of not drinking coke and keep a pack of small coke cans in your fridge. Best decision I’ve made all year.
Some newsletters I enjoy that you should enjoy as well: Jess Tholmer’s Completely Booked, Ali Vingiano’s Little Things and Taylor Aileen Harrison’s Crying in Cars
If you would like to up your subscription to becoming a paid subscriber to support this Substack, you can do so below. All content is still free for now! But in coming months some things may shift :)
Just seeing this -- thank you for linking to Little Things <3
I don't yet have TikTok but I completely related to the rest of this, and loved this post. I opened one of my nice bottles of wine this week too and IT FELT GOOD.