It’s been four weeks since my last newsletter and the world has flipped upside down twice. The Dodgers won the World Series then Joe Biden won the World Series of Election. Two very important things that have affected my life immensely and two very important things that will get little space in this newsletter (sorry to the two big Joes: Kelly and Biden).
A few weeks ago a friend of mine posted a poll on her Instagram story which asked the question “do you think you are nice?” The next day she followed it up by asking “are you a liar?” I’ve thought about this a lot because my initial reaction to her first story was “yes- of course I’m a nice person” and hit that yes and forgot about the whole thing as I cycled through subsequent stories. But when I saw her second question it hit me that my answer was again yes. I’m nice because I’m a liar and a lot of being nice is lying. I do it to get people to like me, maybe advance my career or even to avoid conflict. Being nice is just one big lie because in the end it’s still serving our needs of self fulfillment over the receiving end’s needs.
Shortly after this, I finally watched Ted Lasso. When I first saw ads for it there was no way I was going to watch this show. All I knew was that it was about a white guy who wears khaki pants and his name is Ted. Pass. I have too many stories I’m ready to tell that don’t involve a singular white man running the show so I was ready to happily let this one never hit my screen. Except too many people on Twitter started praising it and deep underneath I am still the person who NEEDS to be in on the joke so I saved it for when I needed a pick me up.
Once I started watching, I tore through it. As soon as it was done I slammed my metaphorical empty drink on the table and yelled “again!” It was what I needed in the days leading up to the election and it put onto screen what I’ve been trying to reconcile about my Christian upbringing. Ted Lasso is a nice guy. He walks into a room and, try as they might to fight it, he will leave that room making the other characters feel better about themselves. He emphatically aims to make others feel seen and will always extend a smile with a genuine “how are you.”
It all felt very Christian so I subconsciously waited for any indicator that Ted was a man of faith. I waited for him to comment on the lack of Chik-fil-a’s in his new country or maybe slip that he once wore jeans to Sunday morning church. I wanted him to reference a basement potluck where the choir leader almost burned down the church with a crock pot or give any wink to “the man upstairs.” And yet, nothing ever came. His niceness wasn’t trying to score points for a heavenly mansion and he never used the example of the cross to embolden the spirits of those around him. I listened for him to pass over his morning biscuits to his boss with the undertone of “thank god for another day, count your blessings” but that never came. So how can someone be so nice if God isn’t pulling the strings of their niceness?
Obviously my next conclusion was that Ted was actually evil and the reason why he was so nice was because he was either a serial killer, cheating husband or a debt collector- or maybe even all three. I watched waiting for a slip up on his good will or to see if the camera lingered on his eye .05 second longer than it should and we would finally see that twinkle that conveyed that Ted was up to something sinister. If television has taught me anything- the nicer you are, the more likely it is you have several bodies buried under some newly laid concrete in your backyard and Ted must be housing a Christian school’s worth of bodies (approx. 200).
And again- I was duped! He was nice because he was simply a nice man. No one earned his niceness, his niceness was not conditional and although Ted was self-aware enough to know when someone was trying to take advantage of him, that never deterred him from showing love. The bodies I was waiting for never came and Ted continued to be nice to his boss whose whole world was centered on bringing him down. He showed many of the tenants of Christianity that I was taught but without “for the glory of god” tail ending the deed. I felt like he was nice and mostly not a liar, and could answer yes and no to my friend’s Instagram poll without a heavy sigh of reflection.
I’ve been trying to figure out how conditional my approach to others has become. A lot of interaction is tit for tat. I take a mental count of my latest interactions with friends to make sure I’m not sitting on the heavy side of the conversation see saw. I try to match one’s enthusiasm to see me and will lower my voice and speak in shorter sentences if I feel there’s tension. I won’t initiate a conversation unless I feel like the other person undoubtedly wants to talk and I hold on to gossip people have told me about others because in a way, they’ve already failed me so I downplay my interactions with them in real life. These are all not good ways to treat others because they are conditional and create the cycle where we all eat each other alive with tension.
Back to Ted, my hero and muse. There is a scene where he finally is mean and baby, he earns it. Even though he is mean to the sweetest character on the show, I do think there’s a time and a place for our own feelings to abound in yelling. When Ted finally snaps, I felt the release and it made every scene where he was nice feel all the more genuine. There’s a lot to be mad at right now and I do believe in earned aggression, so seeing this snap was therapeutic. As much as Ted’s ethos can be summed up that being nice isn’t conditional, he still breaks this and we also need to break this boundary as well. I can’t be nice to those who have earned a condition that withholds them from grace.
I still think about my friend’s poll and I don’t think anyone will ever be purely a nice person without some kind of intentional work behind it. I’m trying to be better about giving someone the benefit of the doubt or understanding why someone might be acting a certain way. Trying to restructure my interactions with “what would Ted Lasso do” is a start, and I hate myself that I have given this khaki wearing white man named Ted this much real estate in my life.
And to be clear: I wish that every sentence of this essay had the disclaimer* of *exclusions apply: if you voted for a racist, homophobic person then please see your way out of me giving a warm hello to your maskless face. I know that’s the hot topic these days- to reach out to those not on “our side” and see what made them who they are. But vile actions create ripe conditions for missed grace. You can have conditions within unconditional love just like you never have to earn someone’s respect until you don’t earn it anymore. It’s the nuance of being human and how we are able to forgive our friends for missing our birthdays and can also cut our Aunts out of our lives for their MAGA apparel.
I think that being nice when I don’t have to applies to how I subconsciously take the temperature of any room I walk in and deem the areas I think most suitable for my presence, as if my time is more precious than anyone else’s. It’s when I should spend an extra ten minutes talking to someone even though they are a walking headache. I need to be more forgiving to those who I find annoying and be a better champion to those still in the process of figuring it out. It’s giving warmth instead of matching someone’s hostility, hoping that by doing this we can at least affect those around us for the better.
To end this, I learned a lot from being raised in the church about being kinder and more forgiving in situations that tend to not deserve that. Back then it was to please God and go to heaven, and now I have to look at it as putting a tip in the tip jar when the barista’s back is turned. There’s no condition to how I should treat others and I need to remember that. I think expanding out of conditional niceness will only make slivers of good things to come, and I’m happy to swap Jesus for Ted. The fluidity of appropriate ways to treat each other will be debated long after the repercussions of our generation are dead and I think I could maybe write 1000 more words on niceness being related to my college’s philosophy of servant leadership and that there are nice assholes and mean assholes and that Jesus should be a historical figure and not a religious one in order to create a nicer society within the parameters of a faith but then again I also have more newsletters to write and the depth of human interaction is ripe for that and I also need to spend more time looking at Dodger celebration videos.
Also this entire essay is my cry to put me in the Ted Lasso writers room. Please.
re: what’s going on
I think I previously mentioned how my YouTube deep dive of bears eventually lead to the Sasquatch corner of YouTube. Mainly I watch this one hunter in Canada read emails from viewers who have had unexplainable experiences with the big guys. Listen, I have no idea if it’s real and this may have fucked up my algorithm since it’s a hunter with questionable politics but this one email was very good if you are into this sort of thing.
Just a reminder: I am staying put for the holidays. I think we can all still enjoy the “magic of Christmas” from inside our respected homes because most of it is watching movies and eating anyway. Or just plan Christmas to happen a few weeks after you can get the vaccine. Time is dumb and doesn’t make sense anymore, celebrate New Years Eve in March it’ll make sense.
Speaking of the holidays and staying home: I still have some room if anyone is looking for a custom embroidery. An absolute contactless purchase that keeps both our butts home. You can check out my Instagram @bethalexandroff in the highlights section for pricing. Also shop small this year! This is the year we should spend what we can on supporting those most impacted (and you can also do this from your phone for the most part!).
I watched the teen Christmas show Dash and Lily on Netflix and for a teen Christmas show I have absolutely no notes except my main note that they should have all been in their 30s instead of 17.
Finally, this video of fans celebrating the Dodgers win cause baby I will never change and will always love to end these things with my boys!!!
Alright issue #8 is done and I will see your inboxes in two weeks! :)